The Matrix with Hats
by cccahill18
Summary: How "Llamas with Hats" would exist in the Matrix universe.


Disclaimer: I do not own Llamas with Hats or The Matrix, though both would be pretty neat to have.

A/N: Inspired by a random Facebook wall post conversation I had with a friend of mine. Enjoy!

_The Matrix with Hats_

Neo stood awkwardly unarmed in the silent, drab entryway of what seemed to be an exceptionally drab house. His previous trainings had been in places where one would expect to go to learn kung fu and the like and watch out for agents. Morpheus hadn't told him what this particular simulaton would be for, now that he thought back on it.

And where was Morpheus, anyway? He'd always been with him before to give instructions. Neo looked around him a bit more thoroughly, and then stood there with his mouth agape. He remained there for a moment, confused as to what his actual purpose for being here was.

"Morpheus?" he called out eventually. "Anybody here?"

There was a sudden large thud from upstairs. Jumping a little in surprise and then silently chastizing himself for getting spooked so easily, he listened as the person (or thing?) that had presumably made the thud now seemed to be slowly walking above him.

So this must be my adversary then, thought Neo to himself as the person/thing started to awkwardly manuever its way down the stairs. Debating for a moment whether or not he ought to go meet the house's inhabitant, he finally decided to stay put. Maybe he had been put where he was for a very specific training purpose. Or maybe whoever had created this particular simulation was screwing around with him and nothing he did would actually matter.

He was beginning to get legitimately pissed off in believing that this was indeed the case when the ruckus-maker finally entered the room.

"A llama? Really? I must have done worse than I thought on my last training session.." The grey-colored llama stopped when he entered the room and stared blankly at Neo, who proceeded to stare blankly right back. The stripped yellow cap the llama wore didn't help calm his increasing irritation.

"This is great," Neo muttered darkly to himself. He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm going to kill the person who-"

The oddly-placed llama had started drooling, his stare never wavering. Before this could even register with Neo as a bad sign, the llama proceeded to pull out a knife with its mouth from somewhere within its shaggy coat. Neo took a step back, cursing, which unfortunately seemed to prompt the large pack mammal toward him.

"Just put that down . . . you're a very nice llama," said Neo for lack of any other ideas. Didn't animals only respond to tone, anyway? He continued backing up. Morpheus really couldn't expect him to go into battle against a llama, right?

This again seemed to have the wrong effect, as the "nice" llama decided to lunge at Neo's upheld right hand. He jumped to the side without more damage than a scratch to his palm, surprised that a llama could move that fast. Of course, it wasn't really a llama, since this wasn't the real world. This should have been more obvious from the fact the llama was wearing an eccentric hat and weilding a knife.

The llama attempted to stab him again, inexplicably going for his hand for a second time, but Neo was more prepared. He dodged the strike and went left. Neo tried to place a hard kick to the llama's flank, expecting to knock over the Andean monster, but only succeeded making himself fall flat. The llama stayed put, though he thought, if llamas did indeed have emotions (and if any would, it would be the one in front of him), this one looked shocked. Neo even thought he could hear a muffled "ow" from the llama, but he was still willing to believe it could also just be the gasping noise llamasa make when they happen to have knives in their mouths.

While standing up, the llama launched its mouth and knife at him yet again, this time striking way off as Neo rolled underneath it. He punched upward, hoping to hit a soft spot on the llama's underside. This seemed to work somewhat, as the creature dropped the knife and made a sharp groaning noise. Neo grabbed the weapon and plunged it deep into the belly he had punched seconds before.

"Now why would you do that?" Neo, still holding the knife within the llama, looked up at its face, surprised and confused yet again. Not only had he been attacked by a crazy llama with a hat, but that animal also happened to be a _talking_ crazy llama with a hat. Its voice seemed to be concerned, but not nearly enough considering he was being stabbed. Maybe this was coming as a surprise to him too.

"You attacked me," replied Neo after a moment of deciding what the appropriate course of action would be. He also removed the knife, but kept the now red and sticky object in his good hand in case of immediate need.

"No, I did not," said the llama, his voice not showing any signs of discomfort now that the knife was gone.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure you lunged at me with a knife. My hand is bleeding." Neo held up his hand to make the point. The llama let another bit of drool escape down from his mouth.

"Why would you need hands?"

"They're . . . necessary."

"Could I borrow them?" Neo positioned his hands as far away from the llama's head as possible.

"No, I don't think you'd give them back."

"Everyone else said yes." Out of lack of ideas for a response that could contradict the craziness he was witnessing, Neo remained silent. "Would you believe me if I said I can be very persuasive?"

"No." _I need to get the hell out of here_, thought Neo to himself. _There has to be a goddamn phone in this house . . ._ Not wanting to let the llama know his intentions to run right away, he casually asked about the number of others who had been here.

"Just a few. It gets lonely here."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Neo as he very slowly started lifting the knife up behind his back.

"You could make me very happy by giving my knife back."

"You mean _this_ knife?" asked Neo as he plunged it again up into the llama , not aware of how corny he sounded. He could get caught up in the moment a little too easily. This time he left the knife in the llama and rolled out quickly from underneath, barely missing a kick to the head. Running to the next room, he saw the evidence that there had in fact been others here recently. Resisting the urge to vomit and repeating to himself that what he was seeing was not real, he kept running past the stabbed and handless bodies that filled the otherwise empty room. He could hear the llama running after him.

The next room was the kitchen, filled only with a stove (with an ominous pot of water boiling on top), a rusty-looing sink, a plain wooden table . . . and a phone on the opposite wall. He dashed over.

"Operator," he said quickly in the moutpiece, eying the llama watch him as it entered the room. "Get me the hell out of here." All he could hear was laughter on the other end.

"C'mon, you don't want to play with Carl anymore?" Neo recognized Mouse's voice.

"This isn't funny, Mouse!" he said, keeping his voice serious.

"Actually, it's hilarious. He really wants to eat your hands, you know. All nice and boiled." Neo swore and noticed the llama was now only edging forward, dripping blood along the way. His blank eyes were fixed on him.

"Mouse! Now please!" He held the knife threateningly in front of him.

"You really need to lighten up," sighed Mouse, feeling a little slighted that his wonderful creation was not approved of. Neo felt the world dissolve around him just as the llama charged.

He awakened in his seat in the _Nebudcanezzar _to the sound of stiffled laughter. Mouse stood next to him, beaming.

"Didja like him, Neo? One of my best creations, after the Lady in Red, of course." Neo's very apparent irritation did not seem to phase him.

"If he's not thinking about sex, it's violence," said Switch, trying to supress her own smile.

Morpheus walked over to him from the control panel. "Think of it as an initation. I had Mouse think of the most unexpeted enemy one could encounter. Apparently he grew up in the matrix on a llama ranch and was used to people not expecting llamas to be nasty. It is a way to stop thinking you know what is coming."

"The agents are going to come get me as llamas with hats?" Morpheus suddenly became very serious as Neo questioned him.

"Do not underestimate them." He turned and walked over to fidgit with one of many blinking panels, making it clear he was done with the conversation.

"Well, I thought you were very brave," said Trinity, also standing nearby, in the most serious manner one can take when complimenting someone on their actions taken against a llama, even a bloodthirsty, one with a craving for hands. Neo, however, did not seem to register this, and his expression of frustration turned into a dumb smile.

Switch laughed again as she walked away with Mouse and the others to finish the lunch she had started before going to watch Neo battle Carl.

"I told you," she said turning to him. "Just sex and violence with you men." Mouse just shrugged.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."


End file.
